I look forward to drinking a fresh glass of orange juice when I wake up.  Too bad that’s all I’ll be drinking for the next 36 hours or so. 

6:04  Drank the herbal laxative tea instead of doing the SWF.  Feels so much better

7:55  bahhh – can’t believe I have to take a final in 30 minutes.

6:40  I went to work after my final – I wanted to kill le professor but now that I’m back at home and chillaxing, life is good. Can’t believe tomorrow will be Day 10!  Sicne I didn’t do the Salt Water Flush I didn’t go poo today.  I don’t mind that powder aint commin outta my bottay

7:45  Salt Water Flush:  Today might have been the worst day of the SWF.  I was determined not to do it and just drink the herbal laxative tea as a replacement (as suggested by the Master Cleanse community) but our water heater wasn’t working so I just decided to suck it up and do it.  Horrible mistake.  I started gagging like crazy and I was seriously ready to just start throwing up.  It was excruciating for a few minutes but then I burped and it was like nothing happened.  Grr.

10:15 More dusty water coming out of my anus.

11:00 Just took a shower.  I should really do that more often during finalz.  I feel so good right now.

11:48 Powder water again.  Dude I want some bibim nengmyun (spicy mixed noodles) from the place my mom and I always go to in LA.

1:51  I really should eat something.  I’m getting cranky as hell and stressed as fUGGS

3:24  Text w my mom that brightened up my mood:

me:  I have my last final tomorrow.  I don’t want to do this anymoreeeeee
Also can we cook crab when I get back

6:14  Feeling pretty darn good.  Got a lot of shufflin’ time in today.

8:39  Feeling pretty relaxed about this final – I think an unjustified sense of calm has come over me. I’m hungry.  But happy.

10:15  SWF:  Nothing new here – same ole same ole 

1:42  Poo:  nothing solid today – just a lot of black/brown powder and water coming out of my butthole.  

2:36  My stomach burns from the cayenne pepper and I can feel my muscles atrophying.  

7:00  V’s eating Famous Amos cookies.  I don’t even like Famous Amos cookies but I want them so bad right now.  I have earplugs in and I can barely hear her eating but it’s enough to get me to salivate.  Oh also earlier I walked by Zeb and the pleasant aroma of food filled my nostrils with desire and again I salivated. 

8:07  Honestly contemplated chewing up chips that are near me and just spitting it out instead of swallowing it.  V said she would be worried for my mental health if I did that.  I won’t do it.  But I’ll still be thinking about the possibility of doing it.  

9:52  I want to eeaaaaaaattttt

8:03  Salt Water Flush:  Not as hard as yesterday but still not super pleasant.

9:42 Oh my gosh I went poo and it was SOLID (somewhat).  I am literally floored.

10:38  Almost sharted walking down the stairs.  Had to go to the bathroom again.  Consistency was diarrhea-like this time.

4:50  Done w/ Exam #2!  Didn’t drink very much today b/c I was busy during the exam

9:42  Just woke up – Haven’t even drinken 3 glasses of the lemon drink yet b/c its so cold all I can do is stay in my bed

8:32  I have lost all energy today.  I am not sure if its because I didn’t drink a lot of the lemonade/syrup drink yesterday but I literally can’t do anything.  I “studied” in bed.  As in, I laid down with my covers over me and my outline next to my head, hoping that somehow the information will remotely transfer itself into my brain.  

11:40  POOP:  I am shocked & amazed.  Poo particles are STILL coming out of me.  HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN IN THERE?!  I feel as though these poo remnants have been lining the insides of my stomach for decades.  I’m actually pretty glad I’m doing this cleanse, if only to get a free, self-inflicted colonoscopy.  

12:35  In the car w/ EBC and V.  They went to get Taco Bell.  Can’t stop sniffing the food.  I’ve never smelt something so heavenly. 

12:51  Staring at V eating Taco Bell.  It’s very satisfying because she takes good big bites into her tacos.  Makes me feel good watching her eat.

2:30  I’m hungry.  I honestly think that if I wasn’t blogging about this I would just give up.  Maybe.

7:46  Feeling pretty good (well, qualify that good in light of the fact that I have a final tomorrow).

8:15  Salt Water Flush:  Seriously too easy now. jk I still want to puke immediately afterwards but its nothing a few good burps can’t cure.

11:31  I’m starting to feel frustrated [which I guess is sort of positive? b/c it means I'm actually doing something.  If you feel happy while studying law school stuff, you're probably not doing it right].  I just want to stop studying.  I can’t believe I have to study for Conflict of Laws after I finish Evidence.  This feeling makes me want to eat something sweet and savory (aka kettle popcorn).

12:23  Wow I am absolutely fascinated.  Today is the first day I feel like the salt water flush is truly effective.  I really had to clench today b/c if I didn’t exercise restraint, it would’ve been game over.  I went to the bathroom and way more came out than I expected.  I haven’t eaten in 4 days and there’s still that much fecal matter inside of me?! Dirty.  That moment just made me re-evaluate my entire philosophy on eating.  I told myself, every time I eat I will askmyself, “do I really want this inside of me, where it may potentially remain for days, weeks, years (?)”  I’m pretty sure this resolution will be short-lived.  I’ve sort of already forgotten the strength of my conviction.  

2:03 tongue is white.  Apparently that means my toxins are being purged (?)  I must say though that this morning while washing my face, I really felt like the quality of my skin is improving.  I’m not sure if that’s because I went to the sauna last week or b/c the weather is dry (making my skin less oily) or b/c the cleanse is actually reaping positive benefits.  

5:52 Salt Water Flush:  Damn I feel like a hero.  I drank that shit like it was nothing.  I have a newfound respect and admiration for myself.  I literally don’t know what happened to me but I drank that mess EZ.

11:17 Finished my final and don’t feel the need to go or anything.  Skepticism about the SWF confirmed.

11:32 Oh my gawd I am so embarrassed.  Still at school so I had to use a public restroom and … I didn’t expect … to.  Gawd I’m so embarrassed i can’t even say it online.  I was just determined to stake it out in the stall so all the people that could hear water exploding out of my butt would be gone by the time I emerge.  There was however one girl that outstayed me — she was two stalls over and I couldn’t tell if she was crying or constipated.  

2:35  In the professor’s office and looking up ways to maximize weight loss on this cleanse.  After my research I have a feeling I’m not going to lose much weight.  I predict 5 pounds – sucks balls. For some reason I am just so skeptical about this entire process, but this is my only option at this point (since the final weigh in is 12/30).  Don’t fail me now master cleanse.

6:30 Woke up with a slight migraine.  I think its b/c I’m dehydrated.

6:45  Salt Water Flush Time: HOLY SHOT.  I don’t even know what to think about this.  I have this newfound respect and admiration for people that can do this on a normal basis. Yesterday when I did the flush I was able to pound it easily.  Today, not so much.  I had about 1/4 left and I was just staring at it.  I thought, no I can’t do this, it’s okay if I just leave a little.  Counter-thought:  Seriously, you fail.  If you can’t do this, you’re going to sub-pass all your classes. After a few more minutes of staring at the flush concoction, I finally finished it and immediately took a shower to distract myself from the pain.  [A few burps in the shower cured me].

7:30  People in the Master Cleanse community say you should stay near a restroom because you’re going to have to go really bad after the flush but yesterday I did not see the chocolate waterfalls I was promised.  I did poo a little, but it was nothing remarkable.  If I am doing these salt water flushes for nothing, I will punch someone.

8:16  Went poo.  It was a decent amount, but I am not impressed.

9:05  Danget.  Forgot to eat the cayenne pepper pills.

12:15  Drove home to get the stupid pillz.  My stomach burnz now.

12:41  I feel weak. I looked up “can I chew gum while on the master cleanse?”  Answer:  no.  Balls.

1:32  Seriously, my stomach burnz.

2:26  Time for the second batch of lemon/syrup water.  Got strange looks from the weird girl studying next to me (h e e h e e).

5:30 I made V touch my fat.  It’s just interesting to me that the only thing that’s left in my stomach is the fat on my belly.  Pretty cool.

9:43  Day 2 was not bad at all (except I’m hungry right now).

• Wake up and drink 1 Liter of water + 1 Tbsp of non-iodized sea salt
• Create a concoction of 2 tbsp cayenne peper (or in my case, 1 1/2 cayenne pepper pills), 6 tbsp of lemon and 6 tbsp of Grade B Maple syrup in about 30 fluid ounces of water.  Drink this throughout the day.  I’m supposed to drink two of these concoctions but I didn’t plan ahead so I only made one for today.
• Drink water throughout the day as well.
• At night, before sleeping, drink herbal laxative tea

December  7, 2011

8:50 am

The laxative tea is marvelous.  I had a great bowel movement today – solid, nothing watery or painful.

Had to make another trip to Whole Foods today b/c I realized I’m going to need a lot more maple syrup.  The woman asked me if I was doing the cleanse.  I was so embarrassed.  I don’t want people to think I’m one of those freaks that does this for health, vanity or pleasure.

On the way back I made the salt water flush in the car.  Drank it one go and OH MY GAWD I seriously contemplated throwing up in the parking lot.  Actually its not really something I contemplated, I just felt unbearably nauseous and resolved to throw up right then and there if I had to.  If stayed in and after a few good burps I was ready to go.  I honestly feel skeptical that the salt water flush is going to work on me (there’s a pattern here).  I took it maybe 30 minutes ago and it says it should be working by now but I feel nothing.

11:08  Three hours in and I feel like giving up.  Had to ask Jason and Brian to tell me I’m a loser and a failure if I don’t go through with this.

5:15 p.m. Feeling pretty good actually.  Really appreciating the fact that I waste so much less time eating.  I’ve been out of the house since 10 am and didn’t have to flee the campus and run home to eat popcorn or something stupid.   Also glad that I’m not having my random sugar highs.

6:46 pm I’m hungry.

7:45 Popped in my 3rd cayenne pepper pill for the day and drank another glass of lemonade/syrup water.

9:36 Drank a cup of herbal laxative tea.  My stomach is making such crazy noises (but that’s not really out of the norm).